If you’re unlucky enough to follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed something missing from your newsfeeds between 26 February and 27 March this year. No irritable bleating about hangovers, no shrill declarations of Taylor Swift fandom… why, for one whole month, Twitter almost seemed readable, didn’t it? “I could get used to this,” I bet you were thinking. “Never have I known the whole social networking lark to be so involving and informative.” Well, too bad. I’m back, and Taylor Swift is just as listenable as ever!!
That I’m now back of course means I was temporarily gone. Officially I ‘wanted time to reconnect with reality’ and was ‘tired of talking about myself all the time’, but something in this didn’t ring quite true, particularly for those familiar with my narcissistic delusions. Infamous for reading through my own phone’s outbox of an evening, I’m no more likely to get bored of my own hilarity than I am to stop daydreaming in meetings and actually pay attention to what people are saying to me. No, the real motivation behind my brief Twitter hiatus was altogether more sociopathological – after two years of furious social networking, I felt I could no longer participate in the endless online chatter without killing someone. A dangerous combination of opinion-spouting idiots and sleep-deprivation, the kind that results from an obsessive need to monitor said opinion-spouting idiots at 3.32am on Tuesday mornings, had finally taken its toll. So many people. So many arguments. So many WRONG OPINIONS. My eyes bled with rage.
And so I pulled the plug for four long weeks, only returning when my hunger for self-promotion grew unbearable. Things will not, however, be as they were – my renewed Twitter activity is now governed by the following tenets:
1. No politics
2. No idiots
3. No sneaking online at 3.32am on Tuesday mornings to address either of the aforementioned irritations.
Yup, it’s all inane observations and Taylor Swift from now on. Which of her songs do you like best? I like ‘Mean’. It’s all about how people bullied her as a child because she like couldn’t sing but now it’s obvious that she can sing and so the joke’s on them! Haha! Gosh it’s sunny outside.
I still remember the first day we met. A sunny July morning, back when life was simple and banks responsible. I was a freckled young beachball clutching a B*Witched CD I couldn’t play, and he – oh how my pulse raced – a shiny new audio unit with wires in his chest and music in his heart. It was love at first sight, a love then cemented and consummated by that first spin of B*Witched’s eponymous debut. We knew, even on that first blissful day, there would be nothing we couldn’t listen to together. Crackling Top 40 cassette recordings, Hear’Say, Pokémon film soundtracks… we blared them all, with no regard for either tinnitus or the many who judged us. I’ve never known such happiness as I did when he first set the Corrs’ In Blue to Replay All.
